Friday the 13th, that was DATE NIGHT for me ‘n my B-YOOTIFUL wife, Cassetta. What better way to celebrate our love than to go see one-a our FAV’RITE bands, GWAR! I love their music, she loves their movies, it was meant to be! Besides, I’d been meanin’ to treat m’lady right, ‘specially after all the CRAP that happened last summer! We cruised on down to Bogart’s ‘n slinked on into the throng. I ‘memba seein’ there were some openers, I didn’t think much of it, but boy, we were in for a SHOW! The first band up to bat was this SASSY grindcore band from NAWLINS called BRAT! They riled up the crowd with some SEARIN’ chuggin’ ‘n HOT PINK death growls courtesy of their female lead singer! I kept hearin’ Cassetta yellin’ “YOU GO GIRL!” It ain’t often when she REALLY enjoys somethin’, so THAT was a sign things were goin’ smooth! When BRAT finished up, I saw this dude in the crowd that looked like the POSTAL Dude! I slipped a ZINE into his battle jacket without him ever suspectin' a thing. Good thing he didn't pull out a shovel! Next up was The Native Howl howlin’ all the way from the motor city! Now when I saw one of ‘em had a fiddle, I got a LITTLE skeptical. I may like to keep things ECLECTIC, but country music was never really my thing, y’know? Luckily, those native howlers BLEW my expectations away with their trademark THRASHGRASS! Not too shabby after all! Then, came Brujeria with their famous severed head ‘n ULTRA-PISSED Spanish flows! Things were gettin’ absolutely LOCO durin’ their set, the pit was gettin’ aggressive, folks started surfin’, felt like I was in the middle of a cartel battle! I coulda sworn they played that one song from Demolition Racer, too. I was startin’ to feel the groove myself, I got in the pit which was a HUGE MISTAKE! There were these two fat dudes careenin’ into everyone! Knockin’ folks outta the way! I got launched into Cassetta’s arms, which made things alllll better, eheheh. Then… the moment arrived. I was gettin’ PSYCHED for GWAR when I remembered somethin’... I’M WEARIN’ WHITE! My ONLY white shirt! And then I looked over, ‘n Cassetta was wearin’’ white too! Aw crap! We’re gonna get BLOODY!!! This mascot-headed radio DJ sauntered out on stage before gettin’ DECAPITATED by GWAR! When his head stump started sprayin’ fake blood everywhere, all HELL broke loose! It was an all-out WAR!!! The pit became the ENTIRE front section! It was an unstoppable MEAT WALL! I was on a mission to get my ZINES into the bloody, ball-handlin’ hands of GWAR, and there was only ONE way to accomplish that. Ladies ‘n germs, I hung ten and went CROWD SURFIN’! I came nearly face-to-face with BALSAC, The Jaws Of Death. I gave him a big silly grin, waved all crazily, ‘n threw my ZINES towards the stage. They fluttered thought the air like confetti… before landing on the floor. The security guard grabbed me, set me down, n; I ran off while tellin’ him to “give my ZINE a read!” The show raged on. But now I was without my Cassetta! I had to find her! I rooted through the writing crowd ‘n there I saw her, completely bloodless. I looked down at my shirt and saw I was SOAKED! I asked her “How’d you stay clean?!” She looked at me with her big beautiful eyes ‘n said, “A girl has her ways.” Hubba hubba! GWAR kept wreakin’ havoc ‘n we kept on lappin’ it up! Then, those scumdogs threw a CURVEBALL! They played one-a my FAV’RITE GWAR songs: PEPPERONI! I couldn’t believe it! Then, they said they were SICK OF US, ‘n stormed off into the night. Cassetta ‘n I cruised on home, me covered in blood ‘n some kinda alien jizz, ‘n she was spotless. I looked into my pocket, ‘n saw a BLOOD-SPATTERED copy-a ISSUE 13. Bitchin’. The mornin’ after, I asked my buddy Virgil to hose me down! As cool as the blood is, it had to wash off! All-in-all, I give BRAT 4 outta 5 TeckHeads, The Native Howl 3 outta 5 TeckHeads, Brujeria 5 OUTTA 5 TeckHeads, ‘n last but TOTALLY not least, GWAR with 5 OUTTA 5 TECKHEADS! Outta ALL the rock shows I’ve been to, GWAR took the cake ‘n absolutely EVISCERATED it!
Ho-ly MO-LY!!! Talk about ECLECTIC! Me-’n-Odbal went downtown to CINCINNATI to go see one-a the few bands we can agree on, PRRRRIMUS!!! The drive down was surpisin’ly easy considerin’ how downright HELLISH the traffic down there is. We were one-a the FIRST in line, I slipped some autographed ZINES to some rather EAGER folks! It was a scorcher out there, poor Odbal nearly wilted in it, which is odd considerin’ he’s got no skin… ANYWHO! We got some weird looks from security but we got in ‘n got close to the barricade. The only thing stoppin’ us from bein’ face-to-face with one-a our idols was a drunk-’n-disorderly fella who looked to be part of a VERY quarrelsome four-ple. He kept mackin’ on people around him ‘n totally DISSIN’ his own girl! The other half-a this four-ple was equally weird! There was this one blonde chick that must’ve been on a whole GALAXY-a uppers-’n-downers! Kept givin’ me this creepy STARE. Odbal let me put his cigar in their drinks which pissed ‘em off enough to make ‘em vacate the premises! I then saw a dude dressed like BUCKETHEAD! I excitedly pushed through the crowd, sayin’ “I gotta say hi to Buckethead!” One dude replied sayin’, “Yes you do!” Met with the Bucket impersonator ‘n I got back to my spot. The lights dimmed, ‘n the openin’ act took to the stage, ‘n boy was I caught off-guard! It was a three-man street-band from New York City called “Too Many Zooz”, ‘n I tell ya, they… ROCKED!!!!! It was a trumpet player, a baritone sax-o-phone-ist, ‘n a drummer that played a marchin’ bass drum with a snare ‘n tambourine stuck to it! You’d think they do some jazz, but you’d be SORELY MISTAKEN! These fellas brought the house down with some straight-up HOUSE! No computers! No keyboards! Same VIBRATIONS! I tried to talk to ‘em afterwards, but they were nowhere to be found. One day… you sexy sax-man… one day. The next band up to bat was none other than the prog-rock-storytellers, Coheed ‘n Cambria! I'd never really given ‘em the time-a day before, and BOY have I missed out. Their music took me on a journey across the stars ‘n back! Odbal thought they were so-so, he ain’t too big into that “nerd junk” as he said. Then, the moment arrived. The forebodin’ sounds-a Danny Elfman crept through the P.A. system as Primus made their grand entrance with the classic “American Life” which then went into “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver!” Les Claypool called out one guy in the audience to was wearin’ a banana costume, sayin’ “Where you goin’ banana boy?” durin’ “My Name Is Mud” which sent the crown into a FRENZY! The pit became all encompassin’, ‘n Odbal ‘n I got CAUGHT IN A MOSH! I still had a stack-o-ZINES in my pocket ‘n thought “It’s now or never!” ‘n started throwin’ ‘em in the air in the PIT! Odbal, along with the ZINES, were bouncin’ all over those punks’ heads! Discombobulatin’! Then I heard it… those familiar bass-tones that I’d heard a MILLION times playin’ Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. Yes, ladies-’n-gents, I fulfilled a long-time dream of moshin’ to “Jerry Was A Racecar Driver”!!! When that breakdown hit, it was like I entered cyborg HEAVEN! When the dust settled ‘n Primus disappeared into the night (probably went fishin’ in the Ohio River). I looked at the ground ‘n saw my ZINES there, ground into a fine powder. Didn’t know what I was expectin’, moshers don’t exactly have the time to read MIND-BENDIN’ journalism in the PIT! Oh well! All-in-all, I give Too Many Zooz 5 OUTTA 5 TECKHEADS, Coheed ‘n Cambria 4 outta 5 TeckHeads, ‘n Primus 5 OUTTA 5 TECKHEADS! Now THAT’S! ENTERTAINMENT!
Now THAT was somethin’! Me ‘n the whole CHAINGUN ISLAND crew (That’s right, even my lovely Cassetta wanted to see ‘em!) took to the sewers of Cincy in order to sneak into the FOO FIGHTERS concert at the Great American Ballpark! All I gotta say is, we were SUCCESSFUL! We caught The Pretenders openin’ act, which was alright, not much to write home about. I was excited to see the Foo Fighters for a pretty UNIQUE reason. Ya see, I got a musician buddy by the name-a Michael Wedding, the frontman of local bands Slump Monkey AND Dead Doctors Club! He phoned me sayin’ that he got to the ballpark at 10:00 AM to get a front row barricade spot in order to achieve his lifelong goal of JAMMIN’ WITH DAVE GROHL! Sadly, Dave was not benevolent that night. At least he got a fistful-o-picks ‘n a drumstick! I gotta say, those Foo Fighters put on one HELLUVA rock show! It was nonstop pedal-to-the-metal-quasi-grunge RAWK! They played it on the screen! The crowd roared like a LION! Aw jeez, I’m soundin’ like Wesley Willis. It’s been a long night… All-in-all, I give Foo Fighters 5 OUTTA 5 TECKHEADS! Even though they told one-a Milford’s COOLEST musicians to talk to the hand!
WHEW! Virgil-n-I just got back from a totally ROCKIN’ local show down at the rec center in Fairfax. We walked into the erratic grunge-dustrial riffs of UMBRELLA MAN, a fella I’ve been wantin’ to meet for a while! Right away, we got caught in a mosh! A buncha teenagers slammin’ into each other with the amicable ferocity of a slap-happy SEMI! I was lappin’ it up, keepin’ my frame stable, even in the face of a jock that gave me the ‘ol SCARY EYES! Virgil isn’t really the moshin’ type, despite the fact that he looks like he could throw you into the wall. He’s a gentle space-helmet-wearin’ giant. Anywho… Umbrella Man ROCKED THE HOUSE! Holy moly, man, For one guy, he can bring it DOWN! I told him he knocked my socks off as expected ‘n gave him a ZINE and a CD of my NEW SINGLE! Next came Virdaze. Ladies and germs, by the end of their set, I had to wipe my face off the floor ‘cuz it MELTED! Their guitarist was absolutely SHREDDIN’ FOR HIS LIFE! He would’ve put a tear in Buckethead’s eye I can tell you that much. I really wanted to see the next act, “Rectal Crucifixion”, but Virgil kept tellin’ me he wanted to go get some food. Kept sayin’ somethin’ ‘bout forgettin’ to eat breakfast. All-in-all, I give Umbrella Man AND Virdaze both 5 outta 5 TeckHeads! There’s gold in them there local holes!
OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! We did it! We made it to the 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE CHAINGUN ISLAND ZINE! One whole year ago, I was droppin' off the first copies of ISSUE #0 at Arcade Legacy, time really does fly, eh? I got so EXCITED about this LITERAL paper anniversary, that the gang 'n I threw together a SINGLE! You can download yer FREE COPY HERE!. I would like to thank each 'n every one-a you intrepid readers for keepin' yer eyes on our MIND-BENDIN' journalism for this long! The next year-a this ECLECTIC piece-o-paper'll be even more... ECLECTIC Than ever before! I got some serious stuff cookin' up... - 8-Track TeckHead, the Undead Cybernetic ZJ from Milford Ohio. Heh-Heh-HEY, boisengoils! I'm just OVER THE MOON that my ODBAL PICKS've been goin' for THIS LONG! I'm a real lazybones, so this is a HUGE DEAL for 'ol Odbal! Thanks fer indulgin'! - Odbal the Talking Skull. Happy anniversary, Ladies and Larries. It's Cassetta TeckHead, the mistress of the dumpster, here to thank all of you for reading my flick reviews. This zine has really been a labor of love (and a real spark, too!) for Tracky-poo and I. I'm quite bored of watching schlocky B-movies, perhaps I'll take a look at other genres... a lady's gotta branch out sometimes, y'know? - Cassetta TeckHead, the Mistress of the Dumpster. Here's to another year of MIND BENDIN' JOURNALISM! And as always... KEEP IT ECLECTIC!
HELLLLOOO INTREPID READERS! It's time for another issue of the CHAINGUN ISLAND ZINE! Let me tell ya, things have peen prett-y bus-y for me lately, I recently came back from a MONTH-LONG ride across the US-of-A! I'm glad I could be back in time for the ZINE to hit DOUBLE DIGITS! What more, CHRIS BALLEW'S BACK! As per uge, you can get copies at Arcade Legacy and Spiral Groove Records as well as the WEBSITE! Have an ECLECTIC SUMMER!
A couple nights ago, Odbal, Virgil, ‘n I decided to shuffle on down to Madison Theater in Covington, Kentucky to see the unmistakable Duo-of-Johns, THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS! Let me tell ya, those nerds put on one HELLUVA SHOW! They played all kinds-a-stuff from their various albums, most notably Mink Car. Musically n’ timing-wise, these fellas were tighter than a gimp mask! They don’t really move the needle as much as other bands for me, but I know Odball was lappin’ up every NOTE! That crazy ‘ol skull. Only issue was that the mix was a touch loud-’n’-bassy. It wasn’t an issue for me since I brought foam earplugs. What? Even undead cyborgs should protect their precious eardrums! SO SHOULD YOU! Anywho… the venue itself was kinda unique. It’s an old movie theater, so it's pretty much a beeline from the door to the stage, super open kinda stuff, y’know? It’s got a bar and two bathrooms, soap not guaranteed (Virgil nearly blew a gasket when he found out). It’s also got no A/C, so it got a bit hot-’n’-smelly halfway through the show. John F. commented on that, sayin’ the venue was “environmentally friendly”. All-in-all, I give They Might Be Giants at Madison Theater 4 outta 5 TeckHeads! They didn’t play Istanbul (Not Constantinople). That really pissed Odbal off.
HAPPY 4/20, STONERS 'N BONERS! 8-Track TeckHead RIPPIN' out a brand new strain of the CHAINGUN ISLAND ZINE! This one's called TOKENADO... that's pronounced Toke-Nado. So now you can enjoy fine ECLECTIC literature while you work off your latest buzz. Get on down to Spiral Groove Records in Milford and Arcade Legacy in Sharonville to get yer copies! If you're too BAKED to get off the couch, then head on over to the CHAINGUN ISLAND WEBSITE to get yer printable AND digital copies, heh, looks like you're already there. Bake responsibly and always remember to keep it ECLECTIC!!
HEY HEY HEY! It's time for the latest issue of the CHAINGUN ISLAND ZINE! I sure hope you're all partied-out from Spring Break 'cuz this one's a REAL DOOZY! If you're checkin' it out at Spiral Groove Records in Milford or at Arcade legacy in Sharonville, you can get LIMITED EDITION BLUE VARANTS! Also, I dunno how, but that damn Dr. Sylvestarian managed to hack the ZINE! So I guess you all get an extra review if ya check it out in-store. Anywho, if ya hate the doc as much as I do or if ya don't live in Ohio, then get yer printable AND digital copies on the INTERNET ARCHIVE or right here on my NEWGROUNDS FILE DUMP! Keep it ECLECTIC!!!! - 8-Track TeckHead
I’m not one to BLOG IT UP usually, but do I got a story for you that just can’t wait! A couple days ago, I went to the Trader’s World Flea Market in Monroe, Ohio with my buddies Odbal ‘n Virgil. Let me tell ya, that joint’s already filled with weirdos so we fit right in! No need to sneak around like we usually do! Anywho, we were havin’ a good time lookin’ for videogames ‘n records ‘n other fun junk when I stumbled upon a man that would change the course of the whole damn trip. He was at least six-foot-tall, clad in a leather jacket, black jeans, boots, and had crime scene tape danglin’ from his belt like some kinda nutz-o fashion statement! Yes, ladies and germs, I encountered the PUNK! He started talkin’ a mile-’o’-minute about how he used to play bass for a band that opened for Ratt and how he personally knew Glenn Danzig! He took us back to his little hole-in-the-wall record shop where he proceeded to show us all the rare stuff he had. Let me tell ya, he was not kiddin’. The dude had a 1-in-500 GREEN variant of Metallica’s Ride The Lightning that was only available in France. He said that “the French aren’t too bright so they thought it should be green.” He also showed us a STUDIO PRESSING of Pink Floyd durin’ one of their Animals sessions back in the day! He and I talked for what seemed like hours, I looked behind me and saw that Odbal ‘n Virgil had skedaddled to some other part of the market while he was yakkin’ about how the Ramones were the “true American band, not that Bruce Springsteen guy.” I asked the PUNK if he knew about my ‘ol stompin’ grounds, Spiral Groove Records, and he said “isn’t it that one fuckin’ store with the albums on the wall and those CD drawers?” I reluctantly said yes. I told him to look out for a local band I’ve been sponsorin’ called… well… I’m gonna plead the 5th on that band for now… they haven’t had any shows yet, but when they do it’ll be at Spiral Groove! When I looked at my watch I saw that it was almost CLOSIN’ TIME, so I gave him a copy of the CHAINGUN ISLAND ZINE and told him to KEEP IT ECLECTIC! I wonder if I’ll ever see that PUNK again… (Originally posted on Newgrounds and SpaceHey)